“Announcing your plans is a good way to hear god laugh.” –Al Swearengen, Deadwood
Last May Mimi was fourteen months old. With her pacifier habit licked she began to reliably sleep through the night, and Sparks and I decided it was time to work on baby #2.
We want a second baby for lots of reasons. So Mimi will have a playmate and someone batting on her team. So we get to play with kids’ toys and go on kids’ excursions a little longer. So the house will be a busier and more fun place. So that we can re-do the pregnancy and newborn phase, and know what the heck we’re doing this time, and know how precious and short that period is. So we can use the slick red double jogging stroller that Sparks pulled off a curb.
It hasn’t happened yet. In ten months I have had three early losses, including one earlier this week that happened later than the other two and that finally scared the daylights out of me. The first two were too early to be events, but this one hurt. It was about halfway to labor, I’d say, and without the light at the end of the tunnel.
In the ten days before it happened, I had been only cautiously optimistic at best and downright pessimistic at worst about the outcome. And I was afraid. Pregnancy and childbirth is a major thing for one’s body to go through, and I didn’t play well with it the first time. While I do want another baby, I was very much not excited about another pregnancy.
And so here we are. This last baby would have been due on my grandmother’s 100th birthday, so it seemed meant to be… but wasn’t. And I think I am ready to stop “trying” and accept my family as it is. We’re leaving the door open for another to come along–another one who really wants to be here–but I’m done living in expectation. Done living in pre-pregnancy, if you will. No more temping, timing, or testing. I will take ibuprofen. I will drink caipirinhas. I will have second cups of coffee. We will plan a more ambitious vacation for next year. I will stop keeping Mimi’s old clothes and baby paraphernalia.
Time to move forward and enjoy what I have instead of forever anticipating when and if. Time to have fun.